Last year, at 27, I went through a divorce. The experience came with a lot of conflicting emotions and logistical issues to sort through — not to mention the additional task of getting reacquainted with myself after years in an unhappy relationship.
All this was happening while I was living hundreds of miles away from my family, who had always been my support system. So I turned to my local community, including friends in their 50s, 60s, 70s, and 80s.
I'd started forming these friendships before my divorce. While I was married, I joined a local Italian Club, where I'd exercise my fluency in the language alongside Italians, Italian-Americans, Italianophiles, and Italian-language learners, most of whom were in their 50s and beyond.
I also attended a weekly Zumba class, where many of the dancers were decades older than me.
Creating this community on my own when I was married was part of what helped me feel ready to take the leap into divorce — and, in the wake of my breakup, these friends helped me more than I could have ever imagined.
Some of my older friends had been through divorces of their own
I didn't tell everyone that I was going through a divorce, but I confided in a few people who stepped up to support me.
One of my 50-something Italian Club friends invited me out for drinks to share her experience going through a divorce years earlier. Another friend of mine in her 60s told me that her divorce had been one of the best things to happen to her.
An Italian friend in her 80s gave me a warm hug each week and asked how I was doing, giving me a chance to talk about my feelings in Italian and providing reassurance.
Of course, I also sought support from friends my own age. But many of them were going through breakups at the same time, or struggling with long-term partnerships, careers, and other big life questions.
I leaned on them, too, but found that the encouragement I got from much older friends who were well-established in their lives was just as essential to my healing. Italian Club and Zumba class became cornerstones of my life, and knowing I had these activities on my schedule kept me going throughout the week.
Even just interacting with this network of older people helped me remember that my grief and fear were temporary. I watched in Zumba class as the people around me, many of whom were 20 or 30 years my seniors, danced with utter abandon.
They must have lived through so many difficult times, breakups, and life transitions, I reminded myself, and look at them now.
Thanks to my community, I got through my divorce feeling loved
Sooner than expected, my sadness gave way to a kind of joy and freedom I hadn't felt in years. I rebuilt my identity not as a woman who was alone, but as a woman surrounded by people who cared for her.
What I wanted my life to look like in the future still felt murky and uncertain, but when I was speaking Italian or shaking my hips to upbeat Zumba songs, I knew exactly who I was.
Plus, opening up about something difficult in my life brought me closer to many of my friends, some of whom I've since supported through their own difficult times.
These friendships with people decades older than me helped me reframe my divorce as just a splotch on the hopefully much longer timeline of my life. Without them, I'm not sure I would have come through this life transition as healthy, happy, and surrounded by love.
I will always be grateful, and I hope I get the chance to pay their kindness forward someday.
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Zanny Merullo is a public speaker and freelance travel writer whose articles on positive-impact tourism appear in National Geographic, Travel and Leisure, Fodor’s, and other publications. Check out her work at zannymerullo.com or read her Substack Hi Zan, Hi Pa at merullo.substack.com.
