- Charles dated my mom 30 years ago. Though their relationship didn't work out, he stayed in my life.
- When we travel together, people often ask if he's my dad or my stepdad.
- I call him my "second dad," and he's expanded my definition of family.
What do you call someone who isn't your dad, isn't your stepdad, but still chooses to show up for 30 years? Well, that's been my conundrum with my mom's ex-boyfriend.
Charles dated my mom for six months when I was four years old, and never fully left my life. He and my mom remained friendly, and over the years, he lingered on the periphery. There would be short visits, small gifts, and, after he moved from Johannesburg (where we lived), to Australia, the occasional phone call to stay in touch.
My mom has always had mixed feelings about our bond, but only because we make her feel like she's living in an upside-down family sitcom. When I was a teenager and we would fight, I'd grab the phone, call Charles, and dramatically yell, "Talk to my mother! She's being unreasonable!" It would drive her up the wall. These days, Charles and I routinely scandalize her on our group calls with our colourful banter.
She also appreciates our bond and the unexpected ways Charles has shown up for me. He bought me driving school lessons, surprised us both by paying off the remainder of my student debt, and, when I started making adult money, he became one of my most frequent travel buddies.
On our trips together, strangers often assume he is my dad because our relationship has all the trappings of a traditional father-daughter relationship — except it's not. It's moments like these that remind me how unusual our bond is.
I call him my 'second dad'
So, how do we explain our unique bond?
As a joke, I'm often introduced as Charles's "love child." It's quicker than explaining the whole situation and avoids the usual confused questions. "Is he your stepdad?" He isn't. "Is your dad gay?" Nope. "Was your dad absent?" He wasn't. "Then why did he stay?" That's the one question neither of us can fully answer.
Charles says he instantly felt a bond when I demanded to sit on his lap as a toddler. All I know is that he has been the only man my mother has brought home (besides my father) that I've liked and accepted. While there was no initial plan to stay in my life, life (as we know all too well) had other plans.
That's why I've settled on the title of "second dad." What else would you call someone who has always offered unconditional support, guidance, and love? DNA may not bind us, but he is the definition of a father.
Our bond expanded my definition of family
I've never met anyone else with a dynamic quite like ours. Sure, people form bonds with stepdads, but your mom's ex-boyfriend?! It's unusual, bizarre, and I wouldn't change a single thing about it.
Charles made me realize family is more than the people who share your last name — it's the one you build. He taught me true commitment doesn't come in the form of labels. It's an intentional action, a choice you make every day to keep showing up in someone's life.
Plenty of us have complicated family trees, but I've learned through our relationship that it's the people who unabashedly choose you that make you feel the most at home. Whether it's your blood or your found family, everyone deserves at least one person who stays simply because they want to.
