My husband and I are suspicious of how his inheritance was disbursed, but he doesn't want to break family trust. What should we do?

Dear For Love & Money,

My husband had a maiden aunt who lived to 89. He has three sisters, and all of our families were involved in their aunt's life; we helped with errands and appointments, and my husband often did repairs for her.

As his aunt got older, his eldest sister's husband began helping her with her finances — paying her bills and handling any administrative tasks. In the last few years of her life, she expressed concern that our brother-in-law was the only one with access to her finances and wasn't answering her financial questions clearly. She asked me, an accountant, to look into it.

She's always been a little paranoid, so I told her I was sure there was no issue, but to ease her mind, I asked my brother-in-law for access to her accounts and told him I could help him with the work he was doing for her. He refused, saying that it would be inconvenient for me and that he would take care of it since he was retired.

Later, when my husband's aunt became ill, she drafted a will leaving 25% of her estate — a total of over $1 million in assets — to each sibling. I witnessed my husband sign the will, and we were told we'd get a copy of the signed documents, but we never did.

After she passed, our brother-in-law, as executor, told us each sibling would receive about $195,000 in total — $100,000 from an inherited IRA and about $95,000 worth of CDs, an insurance policy, and other investments. As the money has been disbursed over time, I've asked to see documents on the accounts, but our brother-in-law has refused.

Recently, the last CD matured, and we were expecting the last payment to be about $37,500. However, we were told it will be around $25,000. When I asked our brother-in-law what was going on, he said that it all adds up to the $195,000 he originally told us about. The IRA's rollover value ended up being higher than expected — about $113,000 per sibling — and I strongly believe that because of that, he believes that he can keep the cash difference.

I talked to my husband's youngest sister and found out she wasn't even paid as much as we were, and was given even less information. We also noticed that the funds came from the personal account of my husband's eldest sister and her husband, not the bank where the investments were held. My husband feels conflicted about questioning our brother-in-law — he doesn't want to be seen as not trusting his beloved sister, but he also feels gaslit by her husband. Am I right to feel this is fishy? Should we hire a lawyer?

Sincerely,

Suspicious Sister-in-Law

Dear Suspicious,

In case your husband's reluctance to hire a lawyer has you second-guessing yourself, let me say it: "suspicious" is a mild word for your brother-in-law's shady behavior.

That said, I understand your husband's reticence to get involved in an inheritance squabble. Based on your use of the word "beloved" to describe his eldest sister and the fact that all of the siblings pitched in to support their aunt, your husband and his family seem to have a decently strong relationship. Plus, inheritance can feel like an unexpected blessing your husband didn't directly "earn", and therefore shouldn't make too much of a fuss over.

This is the delicate balance of inheritance disputes: weighing the pursuit of justice and honoring the wishes of a recently passed loved one against potentially destroying a family over something as trivial as unearned money.

I'm sure you would agree, though, that the love your husband, you, and his siblings poured into their aunt was never about the cash, but about affection and care. And her will simply reflected this love right back to her nephews and nieces. Your husband's aunt wanted them to have the money, had plenty to give, and at one point even asked you directly to make sure it was being managed correctly. In light of her concerns, your own are certainly valid. The question is how to go about addressing the concerns without shattering his relationships with his siblings.

My immediate thought after reading your letter was, "You should absolutely hire a lawyer." But on further reflection, that seems like a premature jump to the nuclear option and will almost certainly damage your family's relationships. The situation may devolve to the point that you have to hire a lawyer down the line, but until then, I would try a more sensitive approach first.

I understand your husband's worry that questioning his sister's spouse might seem like he doesn't trust her. However, it's unclear how much she really knows. You mentioned that the money you've received so far came out of her and her husband's shared account, but that doesn't necessarily mean she knows anything about it. Or maybe she does. Perhaps her husband has already explained the numbers in a way that makes it all feel fair and correct to her. Or maybe he didn't, and she just trusts him.

Also, your husband and his eldest sister aren't the only ones to consider in these choices. It seems the younger sister may be getting the worst deal of all. She may want to take action as well. To this end, I suggest your husband and his sisters have a conversation with no spouses present. Without outside voices to accuse or excuse the inconsistencies you've observed, your husband and his sisters can ask their older sister what's going on. Maybe she has the answers, or will recognize the validity of their questions.

One of the oddest parts of your brother-in-law's behavior is his flat refusal to share information with anyone else. Perhaps your sister-in-law will recognize this as the root of the issue and push him toward transparency. However, there's always a chance that she'll back up her husband no matter what. Your husband should be prepared for that.

Challenging your brother-in-law's suspicious behavior while maintaining your husband's family bonds will require delicacy and discretion. This means avoiding a chain of private conversations that escalate until they end in toxic alliances and broken relationships. Be careful not to lose yourself in the weeds of the situation. Remember that the best outcome is one where everyone receives their fair share and remains close. Don't get distracted by small grievances, like if your brother-in-law has a smug attitude because he's the executor, or if your oldest sister-in-law communicates defensively. Not every battle is worth fighting.

You should also accept that your husband and his younger sister may want to avoid all of this by choosing family harmony over justice. As long as they can make that decision without holding resentment, it might be the best choice in accordance with their values. As galling as that may feel to you, take comfort in the fact that this is their decision to make.

At the end of the day, your husband will need to weigh what's most important to him. Financially, is it crucial that he gets his fair share of his aunt's inheritance? Will he be able to continue a loving relationship with his sister and her husband if he doesn't get to the bottom of his brother-in-law's refusal to be financially transparent? Or does he value the strong relationship he has with his sisters more than any amount of money?

For you, it'll be important to remember that this is your husband's family. Don't risk becoming like your sister-in-law's husband, creating turmoil among the siblings. The best thing you can do is to support your husband, whatever he decides.

Rooting for you,

For Love & Money

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