- I didn't realize it growing up, but my mother was always balancing work and family caregiving.
- She often prioritized family over career, opting for flexibility and security.
- The choices she made have influenced my own parenting and have helped me help my to family thrive.
Growing up, I didn't understand the weight of the sacrifices my mom made for our family. She worked full-time as a programmer during the '80s and '90s, a time when women were still a rare sight in the industry. She did it all while raising my sister and me, caring for my chronically and eventually terminally ill father, and even looking after her mother-in-law. She moved to the United States from India in 1984, and juggled all of these responsibilities while navigating a culture and country that weren't her own.
My dad navigated complex physical and mental health struggles until he passed away when I was 20. The years leading up to his death were filled with hospital visits, doctor's appointments, and treatments, and my mom was a constant, steadfast presence in all of it.
At the time, I didn't fully understand the depth of her sacrifices, the amount of thought put into the decisions she made, or the boundaries she set in every area of her life. But now, as a parent raising two autistic children and navigating my own late-diagnosed autism, I realize how much I learned just by watching her.
She worked hard to build a sustainable life
One of the most significant things I learned from my mom was how to prioritize what truly matters, even if it didn't align with the conventional career path or societal expectations. She was always working — often doing the impossible — but she never let it come at the expense of our family.
She deliberately opted out of promotions and career advancements because she knew that a bigger role meant less time at home. She chose flexibility over prestige, security over ambition.
In the years leading up to my dad's passing, she managed to secure a job that allowed her to work four 10-hour days instead of a traditional five-day workweek. This arrangement gave her the time she needed to take my dad to chemotherapy appointments and medical visits. To anyone looking in from the outside, it may have seemed like a step back in her career, but to our family, it was everything.
At the time, I didn't appreciate or understand her choices. I didn't see how much of her career and personal ambition she sacrificed. But looking back now, I understand just how intentional and meaningful those decisions were.
Her example shapes the way I parent today
When my children were diagnosed with autism, and later when I received my own diagnosis, I found myself drawing on my mother's example. She showed me that caregiving isn't just about being there in crisis, it's about creating a life that makes room for caregiving in the first place.
I've had to make similar choices. I've turned down job opportunities that offered more money and responsibility, but demanded more of my time than I could sustainably give. Like my mom, I've structured my days to leave space for what's most important: my family. I've learned to take on less commitments in my community, to prioritize the mental and emotional health of everyone in our family, and to build a life that doesn't burn out everyone involved.
A huge difference today is that I have more options than she did. Technology and flexible work environments have opened up opportunities for remote work, family leave, and a better work-life balance. But the core challenge remains the same: how to build a life that works for your family, even when it doesn't follow the traditional script.
Success looks different now
For so long, I believed success was about climbing the corporate ladder — about promotions, bigger salaries, and external validation. But my mom showed me that success doesn't always look like that.
Success is about making decisions that align with your values and needs, even if they don't make sense on paper. It's about sustainability, flexibility, and ensuring that caregiving isn't just something you squeeze into the cracks of your day.
I understand that the sacrifices my mom made weren't just about survival, they were about creating a life that worked for our family.
And that's exactly the kind of life I strive to create for my own.
