- Lisa A. Phillips started researching teen relationships when her daughter started dating.
- She learned that parents should validate feelings but not ruminate too much with teens.
- Teens have different ideas about sexuality and relationships, and parents shouldn't judge.
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Lisa A. Phillips, author of First Love: Guiding Teens Through Relationships and Heartbreak. It has been edited for length and clarity.
My daughter was 13 when she started dating. I found myself very worried and preoccupied by her love life to a pretty inordinate degree. I realized that I was being drawn back into my own experiences as a teen, and those were making me feel very protective of my daughter.
I'm a journalist, and this experience sparked my professional curiosity. I started interviewing teens, parents, professionals, and researchers about what young people go through as they navigate relationships, breakups, and crushes.
My daughter is now 20. I've learned through writing my book that parents can learn alongside their child about love, heartache, and relationships while offering support. Here's how.
Talk with kids about love
Many of the young people I talked to say they wish their parents had talked to them more about love and relationships. Ask questions like "Why do you like this person?" or "How do they treat you?"
These show you're curious about your child's romantic life , even if you're just talking about a crush. It's a signal that you value love and see relationships as something that people should evaluate, assess, and reflect on. This opens the door to ongoing conversations.
Recognize this stage can be fun
There's some really serious stuff involved in teenage relationships, but at the same time, it's fun to explore love with your child. One of the experts I interviewed said parents should become romantic philosophers. Engage your kids in conversations about romance, beginning at a young age, with the shows they watch. With time, that can lead to more exploration and complex conversations.
Validate their feelings
The most important thing parents can do is validate their children's feelings about their relationships. This is key even if the relationship seems insignificant to you. Maybe it was just a crush or a relationship that existed solely online.
Instead of dismissing your child's feelings, recognize that even these small relationships can create a lot of hope for the future. When that ends, it can have a real impact.
Don't ruminate too much
It's normal for kids to have intense negative feelings after a heartbreak. They might say, "She hates me now," or "He's such a jerk." Parents should validate what their child is feeling but not ruminate on those negative emotions with their teen. If you do that, you can just stir up negative emotions or obsessive feelings.
Instead, focus on solutions
Instead, try to problem solve with your teen. For example, if they work with their ex and find that distracting, explore whether they can switch shifts for a bit. Help them learn to manage everyday life without the person they broke up with. This will empower them.
Don't judge
Despite what they might show, many teens still see their parents as powerful moral authorities. So, if you express any judgment — even unintentionally — it can have a big impact on your child. Whether it's about a public display of affection, what your child is wearing, or their choice of a partner, judgment will make them clam up and stop talking.
Listen to your kids when they express their sexuality
One thing that surprised me in researching the book is how queer teenagers are today. In my generation, you identified your orientation by a feeling that was too strong to ignore. I wasn't comfortable saying I was bisexual until I fell in love with a woman. But kids today feel they don't have to prove anything. Your daughter might only date boys but still identify as bisexual because she knows that to be true for herself.
Understand relationship timelines are different
Teen relationships don't follow a timeline that most parents are familiar with. There's now a long "talking" period, which involves lots of texting. There are situationships and friends with benefits that aren't defined as a relationship but that still have an emotional impact.
Prepare for your own feelings
Many parents might reassess their romantic pasts or current relationships as their teens start dating. Seeing your child move through relationships can bring old emotions to the surface, but you shouldn't let your experiences blind you to what your child is going through.
I've come to think of teen dating as a dual-generation right of passage. When your child starts exploring their love life, you must take care of yourself even as you care for them.
