- I leave weddings early all of the time, even if I love the couple. I've missed dances and speeches.
- Although I love weddings, they drain me and I'd rather leave before I get grumpy and too tired.
- Etiquette experts said leaving early is OK, but you should let someone know or say goodbye.
I always leave weddings early. I'm not exactly proud of this, but I'm not ashamed either.
I love weddings, I really do: the vows, the happy tears, and the way everyone looks just a little bit more hopeful than usual. However, once the music gets loud and the dance floor fills up, I start thinking about my bed.
Even when I'm close to the couple — maybe especially then, because I trust they'll forgive me — I find myself slipping out long before the last song. Sometimes I even dip before the cake is cut or the couple shares their first dance.
Once, I left so early that I missed the groom's speech. I felt a little bad about it, but I also felt relieved to be home. I just don't have the stamina for a six-hour party.
I know guests are generally "supposed to" stay at a wedding until it ends, but why is an early exit so wrong?
I've gotten mixed reactions, but leaving early isn't necessarily bad etiquette
Maybe leaving early is a little bit selfish, but I think there's something to be said for knowing my limits and recognizing when my social battery is running low.
I'd rather leave while I'm still having a good time than stick around and get cranky.
Understanding what I need in the moment, even if it's not what's expected, is a form of self-care. Most importantly, it's self-compassion — letting myself off the hook for not meeting every social expectation.
When I've spoken to my friends about my habit of leaving early, they've had mixed reactions. Some totally get it, but others act like I've committed a crime against love by not being present for an entire reception.
To see if an early exit is as much of a snub as some perceive, I asked etiquette expert Elaine Swann and etiquette coach Jamila Musayeva for their insights.
"Departing a wedding reception before its conclusion is perfectly acceptable," Swann said. "The key is to demonstrate consideration for the wedding couple on their special day. Select a moment of heightened activity, such as the cake-cutting, to make your quiet exit."
Musayeva shared a similar sentiment. She said it's worth balancing "consideration for others with respect for your own boundaries."
Your exit time doesn't matter as much as the fact that you're there to support and celebrate the couple.
"Ultimately, what matters is the spirit in which you attend," Musayeva said.
Even so, I know leaving early isn't without its risks. Some couples may get upset if they don't see you at the end of the night, especially if you're in the wedding party.
Still, there's probably a 'good' way to bow out before the last song
Before I start looking for an exit, I make the rounds, I greet the people I know, and I eat the food (if it's good).
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I try to say goodbye to the couple, but if they're busy, I'll just slip out. I know some people think this is rude, but I'd rather leave quietly than interrupt a special moment.
Even if the couple is occupied, Swann said, it's polite to let at least one person know you're heading out early.
"Informing another guest of your departure, with a request to relay your well wishes to the couple, is a thoughtful gesture, provided the bride and groom are otherwise engaged," Swann told me. "A brief, neutral message to the couple, such as, 'I must depart early; please do not be concerned, I will be in touch later,' is appropriate."
Musayeva suggested giving a "quick, heartfelt goodbye" to the couple or sending them a sweet text to open later.
Despite expert advice, I may still "Irish goodbye" my way out of a wedding early. I know I'm not the only one doing this, and I bet some tired guests feel jealous watching me leave a few hours in.
I hope they know that they can dip when their social battery runs out, too. Sometimes, knowing your limits matters more than social norms and niceties, judgment be damned.
